I want to introduce you to someone.
She’s in the early to mid 20s. She has smart. She’s articulate. This woman is pretty damn good wanting. She’s well educated, which includes a rapier wit and a willingness to use it all. She has a job she really loves that pays good money, cash that she likes to spend on her geeky hobbies and toys.
And do not get me wrong, this isn’t anyone looking for geeky attention or a propped upwards fantasy. She’s geeky to her own Joss-Whedon-loving core, a Whovian, Vertigo-reading, 3rd model D&D (none of that Next ed crap thank you very much) gamer with the con stories to prove it.
She loves her a number of nerd boys. And she’s sole.
In fact… she’s been single for a long time now.
And not for a loss of trying, mind you. Jane is done it all; dating sites, conference guys at cons, this comic store, chatting up associates from class and at operate. And yet, Friday still continues to be the most lonely night of every week when she sees most of the happy, laughing couples making designs, having romantic dinners as well as enjoying all the sex though she’s at home with Fringe to the DVR and a bottle of Malbec respiratory in the kitchen.
Well, whenever she’s considering a guy – a man who’s worth her precious time, because what’s the point of experiencing standards if she’s not going to stick to ’em? – she hears a similar thing over and over again:
“You’re too intimidating…”
Does this good familiar to you?
It might. The fact is, going by the number of electronic mails I get from the readers, it’s the most common problem that geek (or geek-curious) women experience when they’re interested in seeing.
But “intimidating” is almost uselessly vague, especially if they continues coming up; it covers many meanings to the point that it means every thing and nothing at once. Despite the fact that it’s true that many men will use being a polite dodge to avoid saying “I’m definitely not attracted to you”, when it comes up again and again, it’s a sign that possibly there’s more to it. When a woman keeps hearing from men that she’s “intimidating”, what is she supposed to do – moreover start approaching men who have an overabundance self-confidence and fewer issues?
What May Intimidating Mean?
Being told “You’re too intimidating” is incredibly aggravating to women.? In fact, women are encouraged to be assertive, accomplished and independent; being told that they’re “intimidating” seems like they’re being told for taking all of that back and make believe be something less than what they’re.
But is that really the issue? Are geek guys finding a woman’s accomplishments to be somehow threatening? Or is there something else at play?
Because “intimidating” is indeed subject to personal interpretation, I thought it was best to go to the source: geek guys. I conducted an informal (and utterly unscientific) poll on the Doctor. NerdLove Facebook Page, trying to get a new handle on what guys indicate.
The results were interesting.
So let us take a look at what men declare is intimidating… and what you can do over it.
“She’s so attractive that there have to be other guys. Your hotter the girl, the higher the stakes.”
Men can find beauty intimidating; the harder attractive the woman, the more advantages society gives your ex. The more beautiful or desired a woman, the more she can include her pick of men. Olivia Munn may be a geek1 , but how is average Paul Nerd supposed to compete with the models she meets on a daily basis?
This seriously isn’t to say that incredibly wonderful women will only go for a model-handsome mind you – look at Christina Hendricks2 and also her admittedly less symmetrically-gifted life partner.
Seriously. There is no God.
But the fact on the matter remains: the prettier that you’re, the more likely that guys have a hard time feeling relaxing approaching you. Even if you could be the one making the first proceed, they may feel as though they will be within constant competition with other gents: ones with better work opportunities, fatter wallets, movie-star smiles, and abs you could do clothes on.
What Can You Do About It?
Your instinctive response may be to experience down your looks, and also while this can work – there’s a answer why the “beautiful-after-all” trope exists; everyone prefers the idea of the librarian who’s privately model-gorgeous – it’s ultimately putting the load on you.
Instead, make a point of getting approachable and friendly. Wide smiles which will reach your eyes (the “Duchenne Smile”) and open, welcoming body language can make a shy or introverted guy think more welcome. Showing real interest or honest appreciation in his accomplishments or hobbies may also help him overcome feelings of “What could she possibly look at in me?” And that i do mean genuine; timid, geeky guys are perpetually troubled that people are secretly creating fun of them.
If he doesn’t always have the self-esteem or confidence to receive past the power differential – and splendor is a power – then move on. Quit you want is a guy whom needs constant reassurance which will yes, you are happy with your ex and not looking for someone greater.
?”She comes on too sturdy. She’s too loud And too boisterous / a little too non-ladylike.”
Geek culture has a way of blurring the more common lines of gender jobs. Women who have nerdy interests are likely to be less traditionally “feminine”. Some had been tomboys growing up and take delight in being one of the folks. Others were late bloomers or perhaps women who have had few women role models in their everyday life. Some women are just obviously more outgoing and rowdy; a loud group of party women are a regular feature of the many parties, bars, and tavern scenes.
Many guys – especially introverts – can find the following upsetting or discomforting. He may feel as though he has been going to have to put on a efficiency in order to keep up with her. He’d be overwhelmed by the power of her personality together with worry that he will be required to be the inferior partner in the marriage. Or he may just be the sort of person who prefers a less busy, demure, more “feminine” personality.
What Can You Accomplish About It?
To start with: don’t chase once introverts. While there are plenty who can get pleasure from an outgoing partner – one who would compliment them, are the yang to their yin – more are likely to sense steamrolled by someone so major. A shy guy, also one who wishes women could well be more assertive and accept the initiative, can have a low threshold in regards to directness and energy.
Similarly, if a man has an interest in a woman who’s additional in line with the idea of more usually feminine or lady-like behavior, your dog isn’t going to make for a good man for an outgoing, dominant or simply non-traditional lady. There is no reason why explore is eating organic to force yourself to often be someone you’re not in order to meet somebody else’s criteria.
Now, that previously being said: you may want to consider sculpting down your behavior rather. This isn’t to say that there’s something wrong with being high-energy or maybe being a tomboy, just that there can be a good line between being lively and outgoing and remaining obnoxious. This is an issue men have as much as women do.